it's so funny how my looks changed since i was a small kid. shows like i have been through a lot that gave way to how i am now...

Caution: Extremely Fattening

im no fan of blogging. in fact im very much surprised that im actually making one now. i dunno why. its just that suddenly i felt the urge to write about something thats been bothering me lately. and this is what has been bothering me...

i have never felt so fat in my entire life until now. well not that i am really huge you know. i mean i havent even gone beyond 175lbs. though based on what doctors declare to be normal for men of 5ft 5 inches in height, i am overweight. but for a long time i made myself believe that i just have a huge brain inside me. you know, being in UP from high school to graduate studies. i guess it was really valid to say much of my weight can be attributed to my brain. well not until now.

a few days ago, i attended a cremation service of one of my uncles on my mom's side. to tell you the truth i have no idea about our exact relation with him but i just grew up calling him tito. the moment i sat beside my cousins who have had and is having babies, they could not stop themselves from telling me that i am huge. being the overly confident intelligent guy that i am, i said thank you and said that i have fed my head too much already, its the body's turn this time. and they just laughed.

you know going to funerals is not really my thing. aside from it being a very sad occasion, i don't like the 'socialization' that comes after the mass. right after the mass, there's this unwritten rule that you have to socialize and mingle with everyone else, even those you barely know. my mom is very good in that. and right after talking to one of my aunts, she told me that my tita was not able to recognize me because i have gotten so fat. and when we finally got home, she was like making me drink all the green tea bags i got from my students last year, even the one i got from my ex.

the other day, we had our Christmas party in school. and just like every year, we get flooded by gifts from students who either are really thoughtful and loves your subject a lot or who are in desperate need of a passing grade..hehehe...of course most of the time, the students give you something which they think would really please you right? so the kind of gifts that you get speak something of the receiver of the gift as well. unlike the past two years, 90% of the gifts that i got this year was food. cookies, tarts, biscuits, chocolates, anything that could make you end up having diabetes by the end of the year. and it struck me. do i strike my students as someone who binges a lot? and just so you know, my advisory class gave me a 'diet another day' spoof t-shirt for my birthday.

every day now, my mom keeps telling me my body is huge and I'm actually catching up with my eldest sister. but i just ignore her. i fear now that i have gotten so fat that i don't really care anymore how I'd look or i have gotten so fat that there's no hope for me anymore to get back to my former weight. i am a guy and i know that only women cares about these superficial stuff. but it concerns me because lately, i am starting to get tired of food. and i am starting to get tired of myself. and i am starting to get tired of my life...